Acknowledging Illness

I’m super frustrated.   I’m looking for a job but I have to be sooo discriminating I can’t find one.  It has to be perfect or it won’t work. I don’t say that because I’m arrogant or think I deserve perfection, but every job I get (and I can get a job) fails miserably. It took me 12 years to get a 2 year degree.  I know I’m smart- I tested in the 98th and 99th percentiles on standardized tests, got a 3, a 4 and a 5 on my AP tests,  earned a 34 on my ACTs and a 1490 on my SATs.  I also managed a D average in high school.  I learn quickly, am a hard worker and people enjoy being around me but I haven’t ever kept a job as long as two years. I just can’t be consistent.  Can’t.  I try so hard, but I I have anxiety and depression issues that interfere.  I’m diagnosed bipolar, take my medication every day and do my best to maintain a healthy diet and exercise schedule.  I can pretty much talk myself out of the psychological impact of my disorder but the physiological aspects are completely uncontrollable.  I sweat and I shake and I cry and for the life of me I can’t stop.  I just can’t work when I’m so hot, dripping on things, starting to feel faint and struggling between living up to my obligations to work and to myself.  I HATE letting people down but wet clothes and needing to drink water all of the time aren’t compatible with getting things done.  Sometimes I try to take care of myself and feel neglectful of my work, sometimes I ignore my body and end up paying for it.  The stress gets to me to the point where I can’t sleep more than a couple hours at a time and end up vomiting. I just want to work.  I want to be productive and be active and just be normal. There are chill pills I can take but those mess me up and I can’t remember things, like if I’ve taken a pill or what I did two days previous.  Lost a week once trying to manage anxiety with pills.  Weed works.  It works so well.  I can control my dose; eat, drink or smoke it, and it calms my mind as well as relaxing my body.  I feel un-spazzy when I’m medicated with weed. I just don’t know how to make work and weed mesh. I know I have a mental disorder, but it’s also physical.  It’s legal for me to medicate but against every company’s rules, so I don’t medicate during work. I feel deceitful. How do I say to a job ‘I have a medical condition that will require me to medicate, take occasional short breaks and attend therapy every other week?’  How do I say ‘I’m going to consume some THC but not get high and totally be a more consistent worker for doing this?’ When people are diabetic and have to deal with it at work, what do they tell people? Am I just tripping? Does no one really care and I should just do what I have to do?  I just feel awful not being forthcoming about my potential for burning out. I just want to do what I want to do so I keep at it until my body says ‘I tried to tell you with the sweating and shaking, went so far as to keep you from sleeping, and since you’ve ignored me I’m going to make you vomit so you simply don’t have the energy to work.  Have fun being fired for being such a head case.’ Please note that I am, in general, happy about things.  I have a stable life outside of work and wonderful people to share it with.  I also have no desire for real estate/cars/jewelery or whatever.  Besides working what I want is the occasional massage, more toys for my cats and the funds to go camping.  I’d also like to be financially stable enough so that I can start a family. I just want to be doing things that don’t antagonize my anxiety so I don’t have to medicate or feel free to be up front about my isues so I can medicate as needed. Peace

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

9 + 6 =

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>